Ups & Downs
The end of 2025 was filled with so many ups and downs. They came so rapidly, and I started to feel like this is just how life goes once you get to a certain age. Everyone you know is growing and aging and changing.
It seems that with age comes chaos, and life starts to look more and more uncertain by the day. Despite this, I still feel like there’s so much joy and so much to look forward to in the world, and that keeps me content and hopeful.
I thought I’d recap some of these ups and downs and reflect on what they’ve taught me.
The Downs
My spouse lost his grandmother who he was very close with and who kindly and readily accepted me into her family. She was essentially the matriarch, and it’s hard to imagine family visits, important milestones, and holidays without her presence, though I like to believe that those who are gone are always with us.
When I visited my grandmother, it was clear her memory is fading. She isn’t diagnosed with anything (yet), but she does take time to recognize you when you walk through the door. It’s a hard thing to watch someone’s memory fade right out from beneath them. Our memories are what root us into life and into ourselves, and it’s like watching a balloon slip away into the atmosphere. Her mind could end up anywhere in the world, except right in front of us.
Health is always on the decline. Family members are always getting diagnoses and prognoses, and it starts to feel like your body isn’t your own. So many things are happening, hormones and chemicals firing left and right, and you have no control over any of them. All we can do is hope that that this medicine works or that treatment is right.
It’s moments like these where I think about all the resentment toward western medicine and medical professionals, and in truth, I don’t feel that resentment. I just feel sad for them. Doctors do the best they can, but bodies are not linear or predictable. Health is not a clear, paved path but an obscured and winding journey that you must map for yourself given the landscape in front of you. The miracle of life doesn’t just happen at conception or birth, it extends throughout all your life. Because everyday that we walk the earth, we defy the odds, everyday is a miracle. I’m thankful to the medical professionals that hold my life or the lives of my loved ones in their hands and do what they can to take care of it.
It’s hard to watch people change and age and disappear from this life, but I’m thankful for all the time we do have together.
Ups
Speaking of the miracle of life, babies have been a big topic of the season. Some potential nieces and/or nephews are in our future if everything goes to plan. We have two already and love them very dearly and can’t wait for more. I certainly want kids of my own one day, but that’s later down the line. For now, I’m content supporting siblings and in-laws with their current and future children.
A personal up in my life is that I had my first poem published in a literary magazine. It’s a fairly personal poem and is published under my actual name, so I likely won’t share it here. However, you might run across it in your online lit mag readings. A hint is that it’s about the American South and is published in a southern-based literary magazine.
I also had my poems chosen for a writing competition through my university. I was selected along with three other students to read at an event, and we also received a cash prize. The event was absolutely wonderful, and it was my first time reading a few of my poems out loud. I had a ton of fun, and I definitely hope to have many more readings in the future.
I ALSO had a paper selected for a conference. I unfortunately submitted an abstract for a paper that I hadn’t written yet (!), so I did have to write the paper amongst an insane semester. However, I got it done and was really proud of the end result. Our session went wonderfully, and I felt like the paper was received really well. For any grad students out there nervous about applying to or going to a conference, just do it! You never know what will happen, and it’s honestly a ton of fun.
I finished out my fall semester with As in both my classes, and a huge chunk of work that will contribute to my creative thesis. With the poems and the conferences and the grades, I’m feeling so professionally fulfilled right now. There’s been quite a few times in the past that I’ve seriously doubted my path in life (and they still crop up), but accomplishments and moments like these remind me that I’m taking the right steps, that I belong where I am, that I’m doing well and meant to be here.
If you’re feeling a lot of life’s downs right now, just keep going. The ups will come as long as you keep marching forward, I promise.
-B